look no pants
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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