My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i already hear my dad disowning me
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
