Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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