the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
What a dumb baby whore.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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