theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
