I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
