I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize