I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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