I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize