just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
bring money and cleavage
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
