onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
