Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
