So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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