In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
