She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
