the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
