hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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