i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
