Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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