you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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