The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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