it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
