I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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