Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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