i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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