I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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