saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
