Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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