i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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