omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
