u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
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