I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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