we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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