plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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