Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize