The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
