Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
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