I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
