Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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