time to smoke my breakfast
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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