I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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