Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Holy sore nipples Batman
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
