I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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