Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
