I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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