Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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