when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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