At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
