I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
