the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
