And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
