Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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