My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
