Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize