wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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