I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
