if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
