Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize