I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
