If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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