She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
