Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize